Sunday, May 3, 2009

Shakers and Snorers and Wrestlers, Oh My!




Have you ever tried sleeping with a snorer with restless legs syndrome who dreams about wrestling cows and crocs?




If you think that sounds like fun, let me introduce you to my husband.




He twitches and jerks and jumps and flails his arms and legs around like Joe Cocker doing the twist.




When I think he's settling down, I stop bracing myself for the next elbow jab and allow myself to relax and prepare to drift off to sleep.... and then begins the next phase - Apocalypse Now. The helicopters rev up their motors and start rotating their blades, cue the music:








Run villager, run!! There's no escape! You try to hide in another room, but even 2 rooms away, the sound is deafening!






I surrender and retire to the living room for an hour or two, until I can't hear the loud roars for a period of time. I gently sneak back into my side of the bed, and try to stop bracing myself for the next onslaught...but then, the Crocodile Hunter decides to pay a nightime visit and suddenly I'm being kicked at and bounced around until I finally have to shake-him-to-wake-him, and let him know it's his wife, not a crocodile or cow or whatever he's been wrestling and subduing.
This is definitely the "for worse" part!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

It could only happen to me!

Yesterday I had a weird day.....
I got a phone call (while home on my break) from a clerk who was helping out at my post office, saying a 40+ pound turtle peed on the huge rug in the post office lobby and it smelled pretty bad. (yes, I said turtle...)
Anyway, I told him to drag the rug out back and hang it over the cellar rail, and I'd bring in vinegar and heavy duty Febreze to try to eliminate the smell.
When I got back to the office after lunch to re-open (we're closed for an hour), I spilled half a container of vinegar all over my clothing while getting out of my car. I tried to clean up with dampened paper towels, but I reeked of vinegar. I also sprayed MYSELF with the Febreze.... pretty disgusting!! (and I had just changed into a new outfit over lunch in anticipation of going into my hubby's school curriculum fair after work... waaahhh!!)
Eventually it wore away somewhat, or else I just got used to it. At one point I asked a customer if she smelled vinegar and she said "Yes, it's really strong!" Oh well, it seemed like it was going away.
I coated the rug with most of the bottle of Febreze and after hanging outside all day in the 95 degree sun, it didn't smell too bad.
Very unusual circumstances,don'tcha think?? You don't often hear of a hugeass turtle peeing on a post office rug.... thank god.

So whenever I tell anyone this story, they want me to fill in certain gaps, such as:
1. How did a 40+ pound turtle get into the post office lobby?
One of our customers collects turtles, he has dozens of them in all sizes and many exotic varieties. He brought 3 of them into the post office: One the size of a small plate, another the size of a fat frisbie and the monster pee-er.
2. Who weighed the turtle?
We weigh odd things for people...this is just one of the oddest. The customer brought in this large African breed of turtle to get it weighed (inside a box) as a way to check its health. He also brought 2 smaller ones along to be weighed, too. I guess someone wanted to get a better look at the big one so he took it out and set it on the floor, at which point it sprayed a stream of urine onto the aforementioned rug to mark its territory (or else it just had to go, I know the feeling).
3. Did I change clothes before going to the school event?
Yes of course I did, I didn't want to embarrass my hubby as the teacher's pickle-smelling-wife.

This same guy also has several chihuahuas which he says like to curl up next to the turtles on their warming mats...but according to the clerk who weighed the African turtle, its head and jaws are so large that he thinks the chihuahua will be a turtle-taco in the near future....

I'm just hoping that my runny nose is due to allergies and not Turtle Flu...